Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Just briefly...a personal interlude for the 1st of the month

Maybe because it is the first of a new month, I feel totally DIFFERENT as a person as I have the past few days and possibly I've learned something about myself that will help me in the future.

I have spent a lot of hours sitting at my PC in recent days, but have also been out and about. Over the weekend we had some real Indian Summer weather, calm and sunny and I took the chance to get out for a drive in Barbarella before the rain sets in again as it surely will later today. The pressure map for the Atlantic (I'm a bit of an amateur forecaster) shows close isobars over the UK for the next few days and we shall have brisk northerly winds.

My route on Sunday took me across to Chichester A27, up towards Midhurst A286 then A272 for a few miles towards Petersfield before turning off onto country lanes and back home via Harting, Funtington and Westbourne. Note to me - go and check that tyre that was softer than the others and make sure it has stayed up.

Yesterday I had one of my little offline jobs - I do mystery shopping. It was threatening rain so I took the Golf rather than the Se7en to Littlehampton. No, it's a mystery, I'm not telling you who I visited. Today I have to go to Southampton later - 2 jobs, and tomorrow Steyning and Chichester.

I always enjoy Littlehampton, and I treated myself to a visit to Julian Graves which is a lovely shop selling all kinds of dried fruits, nuts, spices and herbs. I am now stocked up to make my Christmas cakes - or at least one of the recipes. I have to think about the other ingredients and work out if I have all the fruits for the Caribbean one and get them soaking in rum very soon. I had a talk to the shop lady about a spice mix I use in my cooking called ras-el-hanout and about the recipe for the cake I will be making with what I bought. I'm going to write her a note later and send her the recipes I mentioned - might help to get JG to stock the full Seasoned Pioneers spice range.

So what is this 'different person' thing. Well, on Monday, I felt quite ill all day. I was getting nausea and dizzy spells. My friend Sib suggested I hadn't been eating regularly and yes, that might have been part of it. But this has happened before, and in the dizzy spells I get almost visions of awful things that could happen in my life. The scary stuff is that some of those visions came true. Monday night/Tuesday morning, I stayed up on the PC till the early hours. It was gone 4am by the time I went to bed. Slept in a bit yesterday and felt better.

In the past few years since I split with my husband I have suffered from depression very badly off and on. One of my frustrations is that I cannot voice my anger at him or at the other people who were involved in that situation. Last night I was watching a TV programme on anger management AND there was also a radio thing on the same subject at the same time which I'll have to catch up on. Bad timing BBC. Griff Rhys Jones explored some of his anger problem talking to a Buddhist monk who taught him some meditation techniques.

Although I would say that my faith is basically pagan/Wiccan, I also have deep leanings towards Buddhism and one of my favourite books is The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Llama. What I have resolved is to try and 'drain out' this anger through meditation, and try to leave it behind me. Most people who go to anger management counselling seem to do so because their anger is external and directed at other people. Mine is VERY internal, but I now realise, is doing me just as much damage.

And now I am reminded of Kipling's poem If. 'If you can fill each unforgiving minute with sixty second's worth of distance run.....' Lots to do today online and offline and I will feel so much better later if I can finish the day with all my tasks done. Have a good day all.

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